Question

proszę o sprawdzenie eseju (głównie czasy i interpunkcja)

It is wrong to kill animals for their fur. Do you agree?

Yes, I agree with this statement. At least taking into account nowadays, because in prehistoric times people really had to kill animals not only for their fur, butalsofor their meat.
For methis isunderstandable, becausepeoplethose dayshad noother materials like fur to createclothing.Many people use man-made furs, but more people wear natural animals furs. I think, they are very egoistic and barbaric, because they are thinking only about themselves and not about milions of animals which are dieing to give people a reason to be proud of having real fur.

First of all, it is cruel – animals which are kept for fur have short and unhappy lives. They are kept and fed only to kill them when they become large enough. But how are they killing? In very shocking way. For example, murdered with axes, bats or poisoned If people do not want to destroy a fur.

Secondly, it is really unnecessary because we can now make man-made materials very cheaply, durable and what is the most important, any animal is not killing in production of it. Using man-made furs could also protect of extinction endangered species.

In conclusion, killing animals for their fur has no place in the civilised world in the twenty-first century. We have somanymaterials other thanfuranimals.Hundreds of yearsago,people had nodenim, wool, cotton orsilk.Nowadays we have it all.

Answer 1

dieing amień na dying,

first of all (brak przecinka) 

live to czasownik , life to rzeczownik ;) amień lives na lifes,

 large enough amień na big enough,

 But how are they killing? --> But how are they killed ? (strona bierna czasu present simple)

 For example, murdered with axes, bats or poisoned If people do not want to destroy a fur.  Zmieniłbym to zupełnie , pozostawiając sens : They are killed with axes or bats. When people who don't want to spoil the innonesent animals' fur , they are poisoned. 

Secondly, it is really unnecessary because we can now make man-made materials very cheaply, durable and what is the most important, any animal is not killing in production of it. Secondly it is unnesessary becouse we can make man-made materials very cheaply now , durable and none animal is killed this way.