Question

Czy sprawdzicie czy mam dobrze napisany esej? Jeśli coś jest źle to poprosze o poprawki :)

What is a natural fur coat? Soft, warm garments on cold days? A symbol of luxury? Fur does not grow on trees - before it becomes a commodity in the store, someone has to tear it from its owner. Does it have to be? Do we really need to be killed innocent animals to man was fortunate to have fur? I believe that you should not breed these beautiful animals just for their fur.
First, animals bred for fur include foxes, minks, rabbits, squirrels, live their short lives on special breeding farms. They are locked in small cages, deprived of exercise, which causes their abnormal behavior. These animals live in extremely unnatural conditions. Are killed in a very cruel way.
Secondly, the hunting of animals because their fur has led many species to extinction or on the edge. Many associations prohibits trade in endangered species, but the black market still exists.
The argument that the fur was a material able to provide us the warmth of long ago is not true. Nowadays there are many materials that can give us a warm cotton among others.
In my opinion, in the twenty-first century should not kill animals for fur.
Artificial fur are also nice and warm and their production is not no animal is killed. It is very important to emphasize that in our climatic conditions as a natural fur garments is a type of malicious whim. This is just a whim, by which the animals suffer. I think that you should not kill them.

Answer 1

Bardzo dobrze na 5

Answer 2

Po pierwsze: brak tezy. Teza powinna być końcowym zdaniem w części Introduction, u Ciebie niestety jej nie znalazłem. Znalazłem za to ZBYT WIELE pytań retorycznych.

Po drugie: nie znam tematu, ciężko mi się odnieść do tego co zawarłaś w pracy.

Po trzecie: typ eseju? Opinion czy argumentative? Z Twojej pracy można się jedynie domyślać że opinion.Ale bez tej informacji również mi ciężko ocenić.

Po czwarte: argumenty powinny byc sformułowane: od ogółu do szczegółu, u Ciebie jest dokładnie odwrotnie. Np ja bym raczej napisał: Firstly,

animals are living in extremely unnatural conditions. They are being killed in a very cruel way... i dalej rozwinięcie argumentu.